I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
