soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
