Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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