Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
