We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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