i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
