who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
