Swine flu. Run for my life!
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
