dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My bed smells like the plague
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