i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
