Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
