Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
