Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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