we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
