theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
