When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just pee around me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
