can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
