You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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