I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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