if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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