He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
