im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize