Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
