mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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