I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
