so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
