Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
