Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
