i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
40s are totally the cure
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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