Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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