I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
