I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
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Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
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First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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