4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
