I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
