If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
