Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
