just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize