Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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