One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
