And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
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