Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
