just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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