ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
