but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
