every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Randomize
