omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
