I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We had sex on a dog bed..
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
