I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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