if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
