i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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