A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
