I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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