You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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