Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
